Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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