She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize