Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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