Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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