I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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