i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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