I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
