The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
