I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
