You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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