he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
