You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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