I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
