Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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