my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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