Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
