I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
