Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
