so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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