I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
