I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
