sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
