so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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