i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
