I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
