Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it was like eating out sand paper
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
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