Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize