i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
