My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize