he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
