i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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