things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
