u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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