So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
