I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
