I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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