You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize