He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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