Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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