I could have mohawked her pubes.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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