every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
