every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
