Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
