Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
