Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
