Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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