you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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