My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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