i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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