He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Oh god it's open bar.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
