how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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