this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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