I think I won the penis lottery.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
