Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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