he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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