I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
