I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize